LEAVES OF THREE

                                                    LEAVES OF THREE



I recently read a very helpful post on Facebook that helps identify Poison Ivy. Thanks to this chart with its pictures and memorable sayings, Poison Ivy will never again fool us city folk. The poems especially aid those of us who like to run around in the woods, willy nilly wiping our butts with every leaf we can get our hands on.

Never again do we need to suffer with a rash on our tushies with the help of these informative, and by informative I mean stupid, poems. I have a theory that these sayings were thought up by bored park rangers who spent too much time in the woods with raccoons and not enough time with real live women.

I feel that a new, modern twist is needed to help those of us who aren’t lonely woodsmen recognize what this evil weed looks like. I will list the original saying which will be followed by my more contemporary adage.



1. Original

Hairy vine, no friend of mine! or Raggy rope, don’t be a dope!

Rewrite

Hairy vine, don’t swing on it like Tarzan because you drank too much wine! Or Raggy rope, don’t smoke it like dope!


2. Original

If butterflies land there, don’t put your hand there! (I don’t think they were even trying on this one. How hard is it to find a word that rhymes with there, for God sakes!)

Rewrite

If a butterfly lands there, don’t rub it on your pair!


3. Original

Longer middle stem, stay away from them!

Rewrite

Longer middle stem, stay away from strange men (Okay, this really doesn’t have anything to do with Poison Ivy, it’s just good advice which I really hope my teenage daughter will listen to)


4. Original

Side leaflets like mittens, will itch like the dickens

Rewrite

Side leaflets like mittens, no place to be bare-assed sittin’!


5. Original

Berries white, run in fright or Berries white, danger on sight!

Rewrite

Berries white, really bite!


6. Original

Leaves of three, let it be!

Rewrite

Leaves of three, don’t squat on it while taking a pee!


7. Original

Red leaflet in spring, it’s a dangerous thing!

Rewrite

Red leaflet in spring, don’t rub it on your ding-a-ling!





Copyright 2014 Christine Waldman