Cartoon Creeps

CARTOON CREEPS


For those of us who have children, there is no avoiding the viewing of many of their cartoons. I’ve mentioned before, my concerns at what kind of messages advertisers are sending in commercials, and I am equally weirded out by the kind of role models these cartoon characters are for our kids.
One such show is called Caillou. First off, who names their kid Caillou and why is this 4 year old animated boy, bald? My son is 4 and he has hair, and so does all of his classmates, in fact I have never seen a child younger than 10 months old completely with out hair. The only explanation is that he has some horrible disease which causes hair loss in which case, it is one hell of a depressing cartoon.
The other oddity in this program is the fact that Caillou’s mom is always taking a nap. She’s often says, “Caillou, keep an eye on Rosie while I take a nap.” If I asked my 4 year old son, Donny, to watch his little cousin, God knows what I’d wake up to. The entire house, including his cousin, would be covered in magic marker, the refrigerator door would be open and my Lab, Shelby would be freebasing its contents, and Donny would stick his head in the toilet – again.
I also have a sneaking suspicion that Caillou’s mom is ‘taking a nap’ with their neighbor, Mr. Hinkle. I’ve seen the way he looks at her. It all makes sense when you find out that the show is produced in Canada. The creators were obviously sniffing maple syrup when they were writing the show.
Another new popular program that needs to be examined further, is Dora the Explorer. Dora speaks both Spanish and English and has an assortment of pals, one of which is Tico the Squirrel, who wears a kickin’ striped vest. I have a bad feeling that Tico is secretly a powerful Mexican drug lord, because whenever Dora is stranded and in need of a ride, there’s Tico with a tripped out car, motorcycle, speed boat, or even a helicopter. Now you tell me how a squirrel gets that kind of money. The average squirrel’s salary does not cover the cost of a helicopter. Yep, it has to be drug money.
There is an even more lurid possibility, though that comes to mind. I started noticing a twisted pattern in many of these animated characters in the new cartoons as well as the classic ones. They are all in a state of partial undress. Starting with Tico who has just a vest on, and on that same show, Boots the Monkey wears only boots, and Swiper the Fox has on a mask, gloves, and NOTHING ELSE!
Yogi Bear, Snagglepuss, Huckleberry Hound, Boo Boo, and Magilla Gorilla, all have on some combination of hat, scarf, collar and tie –AND THAT’S ALL! Even Donald Duck doesn’t wear pants. Oh God, and that pervert Secret Squirrel (yet another sicko squirrel) has a hat, mask…and trench coat –disgusting!
And what is the connection? They are all MALE, which brings me to my theory of why they are all half-clothed
I am convinced that they are all part of an animated version of the Chippendale, or should I say Chip N Dale, Dancers. On Saturday nights they perform for Penelope Pitstop, Daphne and Velma, Judy Jetson, Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble, and you just know that hussy, Caillou’s mom, is in the audience. I can just see Morrocco Mole now, in a cartoon version of The Full Monty, whipping off his Fez and covering up his mole bits with it, as he gyrates to the music.
I can’t say as I blame those animated ladies their naughty night out, really. After a day of solving a mystery, being in the Wacky Races, or even having to see Fred Flintstone naked, I wouldn’t mind a little beefcake show either.
And when the performance is over, they can all jump into Tico’s jet and fly off to Aruba.

copywrite 2010 cwaldman