Fist Bump Fury

Fist Bump Fury


There are a number of things in society today that confuse, perplex, and generally make me want to revoke my membership to humankind. I figured, or hoped, that I wasn’t the only one who felt such agida (Italian for; someone stole my pepperoni and I am MAD), over these matters, so I will share some of them with you.
First off, how does Donald Trump gets his hair to defy gravity, or more importantly, why? Clearly, he and Ted Koppel share the same hair care products which have such holding capabilities that Scientific experts should start a study on it immediately. The sheer stickiness of this wonderful gel could have major structural holding abilities. It could be used to hold together, houses, bridges, or even David Hasselhoff’s career.
Not everything that is happening today is all bad. Take, for example, how awesome Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are for their many altruistic deeds. Not only have they adopted all of the orphans of Somalia, but Brad has selflessly provided a home for a family of birds in his beard. They used to reside in Jouquin Phoenix’s beard, but he shaved, leaving them homeless, and Brad valiantly stepped up to the plate.
Nicole Kidman has also given of herself, by removing her eyebrows and letting two angry caterpillars live on her forehead. I believe she did this in order to take her mind off her first marriage to that short Wallaby named, Tom.
Of, course there are all the fashion faux pas happening in America that confuse me. I am referring to the UG (does this stand for ugly?) boots. We are expected to pay a month’s salary to look like we are setting off on a hunting trip with Jeremiah Johnson. Fortunately, for those that like the clodhopper look, there are so many affordable knock-offs, that resembling a Sasquatch can fit into anyone’s budget. However, since the inception of Ugs, the number of Big Foot sightings has quadrupled.
This brings me to one of the most perplexing of fashion weirdness. I refer, of course, to the saggy rapper pants. Here’s my theory of how it all came about. There was this guy named Bob, who lived in the city. One day Bob woke up late for the 10:00 showing of The David Hasselhoff film fest, which was playing at the local cinema. While rushing out the door, he mistakenly grabbed his brother’s (who happens to be an amateur Sumo wrestler) pants. Bob met his homies (urban lingo for pals) at the corner.
“Sh** Bob, what’s with your pants? I can see your drawers, man! Where’s your belt? You’re not even wearing any of your bling (more urban ling for shiny jewelry) !”
Bob played it cool and acted as if this was the look he was really going for. “You don’t know sh**, Steve. This is what everyone is wearing.”
The next day, every inner city youth in the tri state area was wearing baggy pants and showing off their drawers, except for Bob’s brother, because it’s hard for Sumo wrestlers to find baggy pants.
There is one more thing I need to mention. It’s about The Fist Bump. It annoys me beyond belief to begin with, but many don’t know about its strange origins. Howie Mandel started the fist bump because he has some sort of phobia or compulsive disorder, where he gets freaked out by shaking people’s hands, perhaps thinking that they are trying to steal his pinky ring. I don’t know, but isn’t it odd that we are using this poor guys hyper- phobic habit, and making it a national habit? What’s next? Will we all start indiscriminately making the rituals of other unfortunate folks with obsessive compulsive disorders our own? Will impulsive hand washing be all the rave, or will it now be cool to turn the lights on and off exactly 7 times whenever we leave a room? The thing I really fear is what will happen if Trichotillomania, the compulsive urge to pull out your eyebrow hair, becomes the latest trend. It would be disturbing if everyone did it, but then again, there would be a lot of angry caterpillars with homes, so that would be kinda nice.

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