Athletic Supporter

Athletic Supporter

I’m not interested in most sports, and honestly the majority of them leave me confused by their rules. Even while watching the Olympics, I was mystified by exactly what was going on in some of the events.
Take curling for example. I’m not quite sure what the object of this game is, other then not to fall on the ice. Why, for example, does that one guy feel a need to launch a wheel of cheese across the ice? It seems an odd sort of way to spend your time. I have to admit that I do like the leisurely way in which he slides. It looks so relaxing. He is so focused on where that cheese is going; I don’t think he’s even aware that he is still gliding across the ice. And how, in God’s name, does he get his legs in that position? It’s as if he’s playing some malevolent game of Twister. But the best part of curling by far is when those two men rush over and start furiously scrubbing in front of the wheel of cheese with their mops. If those guys are single, some woman better snatch him up soon. Your kitchen floors would be forever spotless if you married a guy with that sort of talent.
Apparently curling has become very popular since the Olympics. Nobody understands the rules, but true to the American Way, we love what we don’t fully comprehend. It’s human nature to believe if we don’t understand it; it must be very advanced and sophisticated, therefore, pretty nifty. That’s why people rave about abstract art, the stock market, and Jesse Jackson. No one has ever been able to decipher a word that man says, but he emotes with such conviction, that he must be cool.
I still manage to enjoy some sports, despite my lack of knowledge. Whenever I need a nap, I put a game of golf on. Everyone is so quiet when the golfers are putting, that you can actually hear birds singing and airplanes overhead. When the announcers start talking in their soothing hushed tones, I instantly fall into a coma. In addition to catching up on some much needed sleep, I like golf because of how civilized the spectators are. There are no loud cheers or jeers, just polite clapping. Even the rainbow-haired John 3:16 guy is reserved.
Another fun sport is Tennis. I don’t get the scoring, but I think it is so sweet that it involves love. It obviously is the hardest sport to play because of all the grunting the players do when they hit the ball. I can really relate, because that is the same noise I make whenever I get up off of the couch.
I really, really don’t get boxing, though. I guess it’s a guy thing, with all the pummeling and sweating and baggy shorts. What I do like is that extreme wrestling with the two beefy dudes with those manly muscular legs. I don’t get that either, but I enjoy imagining that it is me they are wrestling. And you know what? I would totally let them win.
Not only do the rules usually confuse me in many sports, but also what constitutes a real sport. My husband, along with many other men, have strong opinions as to what is a ‘real’ sport. By strong opinion, I mean that my husband rants and I just nod my head until I resemble a bobble head doll. His ranting starts with,” I’m sorry, but that is NOT a sport!” In this category are; synchronized swimming, figure skating, curling, surfing, skateboarding, race car driving, and many, many, more. (For a more detailed list, please call him, but make sure you hold the phone away from your ear) Apparently, if the event is judged, rather than scored, it is not a sport. Also, if it’s girly, like figure skating or spasmodic, like synchronized swimming, it’s just plain unmanly to watch.
I have my own theory on how to discern if a sport is legitimate. You know those revealing uni-suits that the speed skaters and skiers wore in the Olympics? I say, put them on the participants of some of these so-called-sports and see how athletic they really look. Can you imagine some of those curlers wearing a form fitting suit? Do you think bowlers should wear lycra? I can feel you all shuddering, so I know that I made my point.
I think that synchronized swimmers could pull off the look, but they have other reasons to be disqualified. First of all, I don’t think we are setting a good example for kids by following a sport that looks like fancy drowning. And any time you have to wear that much rouge during an event, I’m sorry, that is NOT a sport!

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