KIDS ARE ICKY

KIDS ARE ICKY


My kids are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I never grow tired of looking at their precious faces, and they are a constant form of amusement. Having said that, I will be the first to admit, that they should be condemned by the Board of Health.
I found out too late, that children are really gross. They often have substances coming out of their little bodies that no other human should have to clean up.
It all began when the nurse in the maternity ward excitedly announced to my husband and I that our daughter had her first stinky diaper. What she failed to mention, is that our infant had been drinking from the La Brea Tar Pit. Looking into the contents of that first diaper, I nearly bolted for the door and headed up to the Psyche ward of the hospital.
Since then, I have spread the news to every pregnant woman that I meet. It’s a simple message; say “Yes” to the epidural and “No” to the first diaper change. Moms have a lifetime to change nappies, so while you have the chance, let the nurse do it. Or better yet, let your husband do it. For God sake, you just pushed that child out of you, (which felt a lot like squeezing a Chevy through the eye of a needle); it’s the least he can do. Just make sure you have the video camera handy.
The hospital very nicely sends you home with a care package of diapers, formula, a blanket, and baby wipes. What would be more practical is if they provided you with a lifetime supply of sterile gloves and a bio-hazard suit. Believe me; you are going to need them.
At around the time that Junior starts to crawl, he has perfected the art of putting everything he finds into his mouth or up his nose. This area of expertise is only matched by his ability to find slimy substances to smear into his hair. Just so you know, the diaper change gross-out will continue for another 2 to 3 years with some projectile vomiting and drooling thrown in for variety. I know a lot about the projectile vomiting, because when our Amy was small, she was like an infant Mt. Vesuvius. It got so bad, that I was preparing to channel my South Philly relatives, and get plastic slip covers. I knew this wouldn’t work, so I decided to buy new furniture when the kids stopped being so messy, in other words, when they’re in college.
Of course, all this messiness has a way of spilling over onto mom and dad. I warn you that if you see a mother with a stain on her clothing, do not ask her what it is. YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW! According to her offspring, a mom’s main function is to be a walking hand towel. If a child has messy hands, he thinks, why bother to wash my hands when mom’s pant leg is so near. No tissue in sight? All you need to do is pretend that you are hugging Mommy, and use her shirt tails to wipe your snotty nose on. If there is no trash can handy for your old gum, your mother will never notice if you stick it to the seat of her pants. I’m thinking of starting a line of disposable clothing for mothers, made exclusively out of tissues.
There is also the phenomenon of how fast kids can get dirty. I’ll give one of my kids a bath and afterwards they’ll be sweet smelling and squeaky clean. They will then go play in their room for 2.5 minutes and come out with a ring of dirt around their necks and grime under their fingernails. How do they do it? They are like a magnet for filth. I’m beginning to suspect that there is a secret passageway to a coal mine under their beds.
The great equalizer is how much we love them. We get used to their ickiness because of that awesome love and also as a survival skill. We just become numb to it after a while. I guess this is nature’s way of preventing us from trading our children in for a cleaner model. The funny part is that if we see another child doing the same exact disgusting thing our kid just did, we are ready to lose our lunch. I guess the filth we know is more tolerable than a stranger’s grime.
I hate to be sexist, but boys are the slimiest of the genders. I’ve mentioned before that my 4 year old son stuck his head in the toilet. His other disgusting hobbies include missing the toilet every time he goes, excavating his nose in public, and eating things off of the floor. We took a tour of a potato chip factory once, and while I was marveling at the engineering genius of the assembly line; Donny was busy stuffing his face with potato chips he had found on the floor. True to 4 year old boy form, when I told him to stop, he only crammed the chips faster into his face.
He’s been known to eat French fries off the floor of fast food restaurants. Although it’s embarrassing and unsanitary, it can be cost effective. He can get so many into his mouth before I can stop him that I don’t have to order any fries. One time at home, he found a brown blob on the floor and popped it into his mouth. He them announced, “Oh, it is a brownie!” You really have to have a low gross-out threshold to risk what a brown blob could be in my house. This is why I never want him to look under the sofa cushions. I’m afraid he’ll come up with a full course meal.
So if you are preparing to start a family, you need to really lower your hygiene standards. Maybe work a shift as a garbage man to temper you gag reflex. Or better yet, come baby sit for my three kiddies.

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